I was perusing a few How-Tos over at WikiHow.com and noticed an alarming article listed in the “related” section called Get Your Boyfriend to Move In. What? For real?!? Is this what they do when they go to the bathroom with their friends? Write Wiki How-Tos?

Obviously I am naive enough to think that women are (at least kinda) like men and really just looking to meet someone cool, hang out and see what happens. Apparently, I am an idiot and have yet to realize just how organized women are… to the point where they have articles in WikiHow to help further their agendas… which, as it turns out, is to bag a man. From the article…

1. Start talking about the future; make sure that you are ready for this emotionally and finacially.
2. Let him leave things at your house like his toothbrush and bath towel. Let him know that you smiled and/or got happy when you saw his things when he was not there.
3. Go out of town and give him your house key to watch your pets. If you do not have pets, ask him to water your plants while you are away. If you do not have a plant, go out and buy one. Then forget to ask for the key back.
4. Everytime the two of you go out and go back to your place, have him open the door while you kiss and cuddle with him.
5. When he comes over, do not answer the door; make him unlock it with his key. This might be weird at first but it is a small price to pay to get what you want.
6. Start to casually refer to your apartment as home. For example, “Honey, are you ready to go home?” If this does not work, casually start refering to your apartment as “our” apartment. Not all the time; more like a slip of your tongue.
7. Start telling him how far away he lives/roommates smell/it is messy. Anything to only hang out at your place.
8. Tell him you want to live with him after properly setting him up. The transaction should be painless.

I like how #5 says “This might be weird at first”… at FIRST?!? Ladies, this is weird for eternity. This was enough to make my skin crawl but then I checked the “related” section of this article and I almost did a spit-take! They were…

• How to Keep a Boyfriend
• How to Get Your Long Term Boyfriend to Propose You
• How to Be a Good Boyfriend
• How to Deal with a Married Boyfriend
• How to Live Without a Boyfriend

Men, hear me now and know I speak the truth. Women are f’ing CRAZY… every single one… no exceptions, period. If you don’t think so, it’s only because your girlfriend has yet to unleash her crazy on you… put a ring on her finger and you’ll know what I’m talking about. They are, all of them, crazy, manipulative, organized and smarter than us.

And riddle me this Batman… why is there no article called how to dump your crazy bitch girlfriend? Be afraid… be very afraid…