“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies — ‘God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.’” ~ God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

I am deeply saddened by the news that Kurt Vonnegut, my favorite author by at least a mile, died yesterday. He was 84 and a quality human being.

So it goes…

Men’s Health is running an article named 50 Things She Wishes You Knew. Surprisingly, 42 of them were known to me. Now, would I have been robbed of a few years of beloved bachelordom had I known these additional 8 things? No… but thank you Men’s Health for adding to my, obviously lacking, knowledge. In the never-ending pursuit to understand women (key word “never-ending”) a simple list can be quite helpful. This is a fine one and should be referred to regularly to help grease the gears… so to speak.

I’m putting the actual list below for my own perusal, should the original be moved. And I will also say “you’re welcome” to my future girlfriend… whomever she may end up being. She is most definitely reading this… because Men’s Health forgot one very important item from their list:
#51. I snoop! I will read anything and everything of yours I can find. Nothing is safe!

Enjoy the list… (more…)

The best part of being a consultant is that you eventually find yourself blissfully unemployed… Like I have been for the last week or so. I have to say, it TOTALLY RULES!! WOO HOO!!!. It has a tendency to end abruptly… so the trick is to enjoy it while you can.

Okay, sorry… but you should get back to work now…

Every morning for the last 5 months, as I leave my loft and head for the stairs, I hit the elevator button. It’s not that I really want to take the elevator, it’s just become a tradition of sorts and a bit of a fascination. I’ve vowed that if it’s ever there waiting for me, I’ll gladly ride it down. Thus far, I have only made the trip self-powered (with help, of course, from gravity).

Now this behavior is not very surprising nor interesting. In the morning, folks are headed out, not in. The elevator should be downstairs and is… every time. I always wonder though, does one of my neighbors continuously find the elevator oddly at the ready?

I think the only reason I still use Yahoo for anything is that in the back of my tiny, tiny little brain, I secretly worry that if someone doesn’t compete with Google, Google will become Big Brother, take over the world and impose totalitarian sexual rituals requiring a 4 minute soft boiled egg and a modicum of chocolate syrup… which doesn’t actually sound that bad once you say it out loud…

I digress… It seems that Yahoo will not rest until they suck better than their competition. Case in point; email. Now, it’s been quite a long time since I used Yahoo email for anything other that a junk mail catcher. But since they “upgraded” their email with all sorts of new “features”, I can’t even stand to log in. I mean how bad is that… I won’t even use their email to catch spam! And thanks to DodgeIt, I don’t need to.

Yahoo has lost my business for almost everything. They lost me for search the second Google was born. Maps, news, movies, groups, classifieds… all of these are done better by someone else (mostly Google) or are so ad-ridden and/or just plain lame, that I can’t stand to use them. The one thing I have always used them for has been TV listings. Today, as I looked up the listing for the Bears game, they lost me for that too… which then caused me to want to rant about it… which of course I am currently. Coitus? They changed their TV listings. Don’t worry though, you can still easily find any show that has left a few meager coins on their nightstand… but there is no longer a way to search the listings for a show that you might actually want to watch. No really. I COULDN’T FIND THE BEARS GAME! Bravo Yahoo… bravo. Using Google, I quickly found a rather nice TV listing site called MeeVee and I now have one less Yahoo bookmark.

So… you’d think Yahoo could find a way to suck less. I mean with the future of government-subsidized sodomic egg rituals looming, is it too much to ask that they stop hurting us with their whorish stupidity? Is it possible that they don’t know the term “heads up your asses” is not literal and will not prevent additional items from being inserted in that region? Keep up the good work Yahoo… I’ve only got one of your bookmarks left… and I could use the space.

Update: looks like I’m not alone in my displeasure with Yahoo

Forwarders... We all know at least one forwarder... or maybe you yourself are a forwarder. Forwarders are folks who like to forward emails with little jokes or what-have-yous attached to them. That's all fine and dandy unless... the shit they send ain't funny. This is almost always the case with frequent forwarders.

My Father is a forwarder.

Being the geek that I am, I can't sit idly by and let people I like break simple netiquettes... so if you forward me one too many non-funny emails, I will ask you to stop. Which, a while back, is exactly what I did to my Father. I explained that yes, I understand and appreciate that this is just a way of keeping in touch and saying hi. I then explained that these kind of emails, to me, are like getting spam and that I'd much prefer to get an email that just says "hi" or the like.

Well, since then, I've gotten very few forwards and more basically "hi" emails and phone calls (thanks Pops) . Perfect. Then today, he got brave... he sent me a movie that he thought for sure even I would like. Well, as it turns out, he was correct. I found it very funny... so congratulations Pops, you've made the blog! Your mother will be so proud. Which reminds me, I still have to cash those last two $10 Christmas checks from Granny... maybe I'll wait till next X-mas... you know... get the hat-trick!

Those that know me, may have heard me use the phrase “Hookers and Beer”. I use it when I feel required to say something, yet have nothing specific to say. I also use it instead of something like “whatever”… though more often, for that I’ll say “whatever you just said, I’m sure you’re right”. I also sometimes use it in place of “cool”.

I’m using it now for this blog entry because when I came here to write about something else, I found my fingers typing it into the subject line before I could stop them. And then it, and this short explanation of it, became the perfect blog entry…

And there goes 25 seconds of your life you’ll never get back…

This morning, I suggested a friend perform a little photojournalism. Since I'm an equal opportunist, I decided to photograph my usual walk to the store. Now I've walked this path hundreds of times but this time taught me something interesting... It's damn peculiar what will present itself when you cary a camera.

Long ago, my friend Dara showed me her series of pictures of single (not pairs mind you) abandoned shoes. I always liked those photos and since seeing them, I've discovered that single abandoned shoes are not as uncommon as one might think. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have a repeat of today's find... and yes, that is actual poop.

This will only be funny to my immediate family... Now THAT'S an "Oooh Babe".

It’s time… I want to have a talk with some of you. You, my friends that I like and respect… have a problem. You haven’t figured out that myspace.com is totally gay. Simply put, if you’re on myspace.com, you are at least one of the following:

1. New to blogs and/or the web and this is where you landed first
2. Sexual preditor
3. Sexual prey
4. A musician who is sure that the Indie Rock (and especially their own brand of “unclassifiable” Indie Rock) that has failed for 15 years will succeed any day now
5. Completely fucking stupid

Myspacers who don’t think they fit any of these choices on this list… you are #5. If you’re #4, you’re almost certainly all of the above. If you fall under #1, that’s fine. After you’ve escaped AOL, you’ll figure this out too. And I think I speak for everyone, especially the #2 folks, when I say… thank you #3s… you and all 1337 of your friends.

Perhaps it takes that shining beacon of truth, that we call comedy, to cast it's omnipotent light into the dark, dank nether regions of our current administration, before it's sheep-like followers might dare conjure even a hint of doubt and take an honest glance inward. With that in mind, I give you... the Bush Administration in CliffsNotes form.